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The New York Times reports that “pumpkin spice season” is upon us earlier and earlier. Pumpkin spice is traditionally considered a Fall Thing because pumpkins are an autumn vegetable, even though there are exactly zero pumpkins to be found in a pumpkin spice-flavored anything. The debut date of the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte, an almost archetypically mainstream beverage that the Times incorrectly identifies as a “cult favorite drink,” has been bumped up to September 1. September 1! The earlier onset of the season actually has nothing to do with climate change: It’s capitalism, folks. The irresistible draw of faux-pumpkin is supposed to prep consumers for holiday shopping sprees, according to the Times. But capitalism causes climate change! Full circle. Pumpkin spice, therefore, portends certain planetary doom. Don’t buy it.

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